Upcoming Webseries

Would you watch this series if it was well-acted?

  • Yuppers

    Votes: 1 50.0%
  • I'm unsure

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Naww.

    Votes: 1 50.0%

  • Total voters
    2

Marlile

New Member
Hey, guys! I just wanted an opinion on an excerpt from a script I've written for a webseries that'll premiere on my channel within a few months. Warning: Slight language ahead.


Melissa: So. This weekend. Do you have any ideas?


Mason: As long as I’m with you. (faking it well enough that she can’t tell, bad enough that we can)


Melissa: (Stereotypical “awwwww”)


- After Melissa aw’s, she searches her bag for a moment, looking away. Mason’s smile immediately drops, showing he’s somewhat annoyed with the whole situation. He mimes shooting his temple before Melissa turns back, and he rubs his neck with the “gun hand” while grinning. She doesn’t notice. -


Melissa: Okay, if you wanna be a… gentleman. How ‘bout now? What do you wanna do? We’ve got plenty of time… (clearly trying to instigate something)


Mason: (pretending not to notice) Sure, uh. Wanna watch some Netflix or something?


Melissa: (only slightly visibly disappointed) Sure. Yeah.

Mason: (ever the charmer) I get to pick this time.


Melissa: Does it matter? We always pick the same movies… (smiling, warming back up to him and snuggling closer)


Mason: (grabbing remote) Let’s see if the streak continues, then. (smiles) Tell me when to stop. (starts pressing down)


  • Transition -
- Obviously much later, probably about 5:00. A movie is playing, judging by the slight blue glow on M & M’s faces, and the quiet conversation in the background. Melissa is lying down, resting her head on Mason’s chest, seemingly asleep. Mason is resting one hand on her and another on the armrest to his right. He’s tapping his pointer finger absent-mindedly until he realizes we’re here.-


Mason: (emotionless) “As long as I’m with you.” (scoff) Every source I can find, including my own experience, tells me you’ve got about 3 months in the start of a relationship where everything’s gonna be lovey-dovey and over-the-top cutesy. We’ve been dating a little over one month. I’m not sure I can make it. A significant other reduces suspicions, but… god damn are they needy. (leans forward, while making sure not to disturb Melissa) I don’t get it. Maybe you do, but I don’t. We all know it’s just chemical reactions. Or at least, you know. I’ve never felt it myself, thank god, but -- but you damn people know. People like to wallow in their endorphins and suffocate themselves in their chemicals. Like dogs rolling in their own shit. (clearly uncomfortable during the next line) This wouldn’t be so damn bad if she stopped trying to seduce me; a mask can only cover so much before the real face starts to appear.
 

GeekyNet

New Member
Sounds good, but you mentioned that the movie is playing about 5 minutes in. What happens that takes 5 minutes, because the script you have in the beginning would take maybe a minute or 2 at most it seems. Any longer than that, and it's dragging on.

Also, so many people just want to watch a short video these days that I would start with skits lasting around 5 minutes, once you hit the 10 minute mark you're going to lose a lot of people unless it is absolutely hilarious.

I like the layout though, it reminds me of The Office. It's a good formula and has worked for many, but make sure you don't overdo it. Your script, as it is right now, seems to be dominated by Mason talking to the camera. There's not a lot of content otherwise, as far as dialogue between Mason and Melissa. That's totally fine, but I'm scared by you mentioning the 5 minute mark unless you have more events planned for those first 5.

Also, change the names. Mason and Melissa both start with M - Using names that start with different letters has been shown to help viewers easily distinguish between multiple people as well as remember their names quickly.
 

Discord

Latest New Threads

Top